Wisdom-Ink.com Blog
The Pain I Carry Is the Love I Withhold….
I heard this phrase as I was browsing youtube for interesting and uplifting videos, and it hit me like a ton of bricks; The Pain You Carry is the Love You Withhold. As I pondered this further I realized that ALL the pain I had ever felt in my life was nothing more than two things:
1) My resistance to what was happening in the moment and
2) me withholding love from people, circumstances and ideas.
Pain is born from resisting what is happening in the moment; whether it is child birth, or the traffic, or behavior another person is displaying. The minute we think something like, “They shouldn’t do that,” or “the jam shouldn’t be here,” or even “I should be further in life,” (as an example) is the minute we find ourselves in the midst of resistance. The words “should” and “shouldn’t” are great indicators of whether or not we are resisting what is.
If I look back on every fight I have ever had with a loved one, I would find that any pain I experienced was born out of resisting them in some way and in my behavior of taking my love away in order to teach them a lesson or to show how much I disapprove of them or their behavior.
Especially for me, I had this behavior of giving the silent treatment when I felt someone wasn’t doing or being who I 
thought they should be. This act of passive aggression is not only violent, but it is making love and my relationship with this person into a business instead of a relationship. Love says that no matter what you do and who you are, I will just love you because it is so easy and fulfilling to love you…while business is transactional. Business says that I will love you WHEN you act as I think you should act and be what I think you should be. Business gives and takes love, while love itself overflows because it feels so good to overflow. If a person loves back is purely a bonus!
The other day I was frustrated with a certain behavior my partner was showing (AKA resisting him and his actions). I was angry and had the thought “I just won’t talk to him until he apologizes.” Immediately, as I walked in the other room to sit down and feel my emotions, I noticed a massive pain in my solar plexus. I felt sad, and angry, and even some grief. It felt as if there was a giant hole going right through me. In this moment I had a flashback of the phrase The pain that I carry is the Love I withhold. I realized as I sat on the bed that I was with-holding love from him. I was choosing not to love him until he behaved the right way.
When I realized this I immediately found him and told him, “I love you. I don’t want to fight with you and I don’t want to subscribe to the silent treatment any longer. I am sorry if I tried to make you into something you are not. It is easier for me to love you, so I choose to love you.” Magically, the whole upset transmuted completely in that moment. In fact, I can’t even remember what the upset was even about.
The fact of the matter is that it is so much easier to love than it is to keep love away~ at least for me. The minute I decided to withhold my love, I felt a deep emotional and even spiritual pain. And the minute that I decided that I don’t want to withhold love, it flowed out of me effortlessly melting any upsets that were present in our relationship.
Looking back I realize there is a lot of love I have with-held from people. I do not know if it hurt them or if it still hurts them, but I know what it feels like for me to withhold it. It is now too painful for me to withdraw that which I was put on this Earth to feel. So I am choosing to feel and to overflow with love~ because it is so fulfilling and it feels so good.
In the Family Constellation course I am attending with Monika Wyss (http://www.monikawyss.com), who is my teacher and facilitator, she has given us many MANY processes in which we can make peace with the past. One of them is to put names of people on pieces of paper on the floor, and to stand on them as their ‘representative.’ As we stand on the paper we begin tuning into their energy via the informing field. It is here we can feel what it is they feel. We can even speak for them if we feel the urge to (this is a bit like gestalt therapy). Then, when we are finished representing them, we stand off the paper and get back into our own shoes. We can then say, “I love you” to them or “I’m sorry” or whatever it is we wish to say.
So you can imagine what I will be doing all this week~ so if you come to my home and see paper all over the floor, don’t be surprised! I am just completing with my past and giving back the love I chose to with hold so long ago. Why? Because it is easier than carrying the pain with me throughout the rest of my life.
I hope this helps in some way.
Because Life is Effortless,
Jana Moreno
